in my smiley miley era </3
Howdy! I haven’t written any personal prose in a while. All of my creativity has been going into my work — The 10 best scar creams! The hidden dangers of makeup wipes! It also has to do with the fact that I seldom want to tap into my emotions. I used to pour a lot of myself out onto the internet. I felt a sense of purpose knowing that putting my feelings into words was helping others feel seen.
However, as I’ve gotten older I no longer want anyone to know anything real about me. I often succeed at this too — people leave conversations feeling as though we are best friends when I’ve shared nothing more than a funny personal anecdote. I fear being vulnerable * will lead to people no longer wanting to be around me (core insecurity).
How this newsletter topic was sparked: the other day someone complimented me for “always having the best energy” and I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t they see that it’s all a farce! Don’t they see that it’s taking everything out of me to pretend like this! My therapist likes to remind me every week that it isn’t my responsibility to entertain everyone around me. But I ignore her and trudge along — for who am I if not the happy-go-lucky court jester?
This newsletter comeback wasn’t what I intended for it to be (I was planning to fawn over Bridgerton season 2) but this is where my head is at! Surrounded by people who love me but feeling more alone than ever before. That’s life innit.
As spring approaches I aim to be more mindful about how I conduct myself. I’ve been praying, going to yoga, and meditating in an effort to feel a sense of peace. Perhaps connecting with the divine will rid me of this loneliness.
*Brene Brown the TEDX cash cow
Anyways… Pivoting to the best foreign rom-coms I’ve seen on Netflix lately:
Through the Window (Spanish)
Issi + Ossie (German)
Sounds Like Love (Spanish)
Love Tactics (Turkish)
Friendzone (Italian)
Little Italy (USA! USA!)