When quarantine first started I jumped straight into goal-setting and unnerving positivity. I was committed to making the “most” out of an obviously frightening and traumatic situation. My approach was borderline delusional. But after a few weeks, not even my gratitude journal or daily mediation could save me from the anger boiling within. That one quote “and the people read books and didn’t do drugs and came out of this sparkling/dancing better than before” provokes me every time it’s reposted.
I need to detox from social media. I used to enjoy my life too much to ever compare it to others. My calendar was once a color-coded smorgasbord of events, catch-up dinners, and weekend trips with friends. But now, with nothing to look forward to, I lay in bed seething with rage wondering why on earth I follow so many beautiful influencers or wealthy executives. I’m aware of my own privilege (yes, things are worse for others but let me rant in peace without having to give a disclaimer), but how is quarantine for some a seemingly never-ending vacation? Every night couples on my feed get gourmet pasta to-go and eat it on unironic checkered print blankets at the beach. Families (who like each other!) go on morning hikes, layout by the pool, drink margaritas, joy-ride on their boat, and end their night with an outdoor movie or homemade steak dinner. I hate that my newfound jealousy mimics palo santo – burning silently only to linger long after the flame is extinguished.
It’s likely the hunger and sleep deprivation that’s contributing to this general feeling of despair but I feel so distant from who I used to be. I wonder if I could improve the ambiance in my own home if I invested in a projector, an inflatable pool, roller skates, a candelabra, and a pool chair or two? But would these material items rot in the attic when this inevitably ends? And would my family even participate or would they scoff at my purchases? Should I fixate on making things better or should I accept the reality that faces me?
I have a clear vision for my future. A life where we brew our own coffee and make matcha souffle pancakes as music blasts through the home. There would be karaoke nights and dance parties with friends. No one would fail the vibe check. Board games would be played without fear of a family member flipping the game over in a fit of rage. Laughter would be the only constant. I wonder if it’s naive to believe that things get better as you age, but these daydreams are the only form of escapism I have left.
Articles Worth Reading
“I consider how much we depend on useless, arbitrary tasks to prove ourselves. I consider how much we depend on these tasks so we can say, at the very end, we succeeded.” - Fuck the Bread by The Paris Review
“Robert Pattinson: Yesterday I was just googling, I was going on YouTube to see how to microwave pasta.” - A (bizarre yet hilarious) Celebrity Profile by GQ
“If unhappiness is the foundation upon which we’ve built our houses now, then you need to furnish that metaphorical house with things that can revive you.” - The Indulgent Phase of My Quarantine Has Begun by Man Repeller
Binged the Netflix show “Hollywood” this weekend and would recommend it to all. Critics were unnerved by its starry-eyed naivete, but I for one enjoyed watching a miniseries that gave us a happy ending. Why is everyone so obsessed with shows that showcase reality? Y’all ain’t tired?
For those of you that enjoy sad teen movies, I would urge you to watch “To All the Bright Places” on Netflix so we could discuss it. The music score alone moved me to tears.
This site automates your donations over the last ten nights of Ramadan which makes #sawaabchasing easier.
The Kosas skin tint is worth the hype!!!! I got shade 5.5 to live out my “oh haha this ol’ thing I just hopped out of the shower” makeup fantasy.
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